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Claire Smallwood, Crystal Mountain, Wash. Photo by Brian Stevenson It all started with winning a free plane ticket. Or maybe it started with the Jackson trip. Wherever it started, I have had to stop and ask myself several times this season, “Claire what are you doing?” It comes down to focus ... I used to think that it was more than possible — more like expected — that I would earn a college degree while also competing on the North American Freeskiing tour. I think this 2007 thought train also had me being a white girl in Senegal trying to do research and party till the break of dawn. Wherever this started and whatever it is, my trip to Taos for the New Mexico Extremes in February was a real eye-opener about the confines we draw for ourselves in the human spirit and how feeling along is the first mistake. The first word that comes to mind when I think about 2007 is “wowsers!” All my dreams are coming true: linguistic research in Senegal, a beyond rad trip to Jackson getting to meet and bond with the SheJumps crew — it can be filed under a general feeling of progress as a human. And then the creepy irony of winning a free plane ticket just in time to compete on home turf for the New Mexico extremes. Alas, there is the disappointing irony of not qualifying. Wait, what? Not qualifying? Anyone who’s ever skied on "the tour" (usfreeskiing.com) or seen a big mountain comp knows that sometimes even the best skiers crash or get eaten by snow snakes, but I had felt so chosen — how did I not even qualify? I will write it right here and now, in order to send it out to the pulsating and permanent entity that we all lovingly refer to as the Internet, that not qualifying at Taos this year will be one of the best things to ever happen to my skiing career — or my life for that matter! I have always been competitive, whether in swimming, soccer, or just making sure I beat my own record of ski days every year (and you better believe that next year is gonna see 100+!) and this Taos comp was no exception. I felt like I had a duty to represent for New Mexico, to be the Queen of the Sangre de Cristos, my birthplace and favorite place.

The Road to Taos, N.M. Photo by Claire Smallwood

Oh yes, here it is, the phrase in the back of my mind that always explains everything “C’est la vie.” So I went for my last air (which I didn’t even have to take, apparently) and got all thrown off trajectory on this already goofy and pretty exposed cliff, and wah-wuh (you all know that noise, right?) I dropped a hip and it was over. Judge Jim Jack gave me a big hug and said, “You still rock Claire.” All the judges’ cards said it too, but I still felt (and know) that Jim has never seen me ski a line that I know I shredded hard and that I am proud of. The existentialist in me refuses to imprint herself as such in the mind of anyone — solely because I want to push myself to get back to competition. It’s NOT about winning over the other girls. It’s about the fact that as women, as skiers, as humans, we must share and channel this sort of energy into something malleable and we must evolve with that energy. Maybe its even going to be just a big loud Tobias Lee yell (if you catch my drift) to put us all within tenths of a point until we end up sharing the $6,000 between all the competitors. Later, when I was watching the qualifier video in the bar, I could hear Tom Winter’s awesome microphone voice talking about my run on my way down “If this girl makes it through the qualifier she is going to be a force to be reckoned with.” Yes Tom! Why yes, I say! With a few editions: replace the if with a when and the makes into soars and voilà, confidence regained, right? We all know that changing words on paper is very different, for example, from Tom Winter actually saying those words. I had never fallen off a horse until that day, not even a real one. I can’t say that the horse is still saddled, or that the crazy cowgirl has sauntered away, conquered. Instead, let me share with you fellow SheJumpers how I am choosing to cope from the binary of wanting something so badly and then all of sudden starting back at square one. The "square one" for me is that I need to re-evaluate my respect for the sport and for myself — had I been training as much as anyone else? Hmm, a full-time student with a job and a documentary to make? Probably not! The fall pretended to ruin a confidence that I thought could not be touched, and I thought I had done something wrong.

Vanessa Pierce and Claire apres-ing at "the Cadi" in Jackson. I am blessed with that fact that I have never lacked self-confidence, but after that day I felt proverbially naked and sunburned from realizing that I had been trying to foster and excel in two irreconcilable activities — linguistic African research and competitive big-mountain freeskiing. But beyond that it comes down to respect for it all — including yourself. Don’t leave projects unfinished. If you undertake something, finish it well — stand proud by your creation! Take full responsibility for all your actions; abolish all audiences and be your own judge. You can’t lose things forever, but any horse that remains saddled after a rider has been bucked is much worse off — the horse is destined to wander a harsh desert in search of opposable thumbs to pry the disaster of a saddle off of its back! Alas, not much of a connection to freeskiing in that analogy, hopefully you get the point. Do you think the horse ever hopes that the rider will trust it again, that they will climb back on without abandon — the two of them knowing a new perimeter of their eerie master-master combo? If you catch my drift, I’ll be on the tour next year, looking for smiling faces ready to jump and show the world what it’s all about to turn an individual’s sport into a team.

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